So here we are, on the early morning of the eve of the Illinois primary and I discover -- unlike most every other presidential election year -- I'm in a position to cast a vote that might actually mean something. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, because the slate of Republican presidential candidates is, well, less than ideal, speaking charitably. But you go into an election with the candidates that you have, not with the candidates that you'd like to have, so I'm going to have to vote for someone.
All that said, here's some completely unsolicited advice for each of the candidates on the ballot:
Mitt Romney: It would be good if you could explain to us what exactly it is you believe in -- other than Mitt Romney.
Rick Santorum: Please tattoo the following phrase in reverse lettering on your forehead so that you will see it every morning when you shave -- "It's the economy, stupid!"
Newt Gingrich: We are all willing to concede that you're the smartest man in the room. Would you please try to act like it?
Ron Paul: You would be really interesting if you weren't at least 10% crazy. There's a reason that Libertarians with a big "L" seldom win anything.
Where's Dr. Frankenstein when you really need him?