And then I noticed the big loose cable attached to a bracket that exposed a couple of ports on the rear of the machine. Oh, heck.
So I finally gave up and unplugged everything from the back of the computer so that I could pick it up, put it on a surface, and remove the video card. Behind the video card was a header that matched the cable that apparently provided two more USB 3.0 ports via the bracket. I plugged that back in. Oh, look! There's another loose cable. I bet that's why the front ports aren't working. Let's plug that back in too. Then I put the video card back in, rewired everything, and fired the computer up.
A horrible noise ensued, at least until I moved the cables so they were no longer contacting the fan on the video card. :) And then the computer booted up and slowly finished installing the Windows updates that it needed. It probably needs more, but that can wait for tomorrow.
Once things were running again, I went out and made a karaoke file for Julie to use in the talent show. She's singing a song that I wasn't previously familiar with.
And it makes me cry.
Here it is.